Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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