ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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