The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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