based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
