i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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