I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
