Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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