i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
