Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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