Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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