how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
