Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
