I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
