We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
