the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
