why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
