he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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