Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
