bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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