Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
