wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
