He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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