Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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