I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need to stop coming to work sober
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
