My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
