I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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