Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
