i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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