I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
