We won't sleep together?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
