Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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