We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
