When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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