It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am naked and annoyed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
