the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize