I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
