1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
