What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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