So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
