Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
