wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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