You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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