My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
