Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize