new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
