hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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