How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
