im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
