Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
