Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
