i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
