i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
