I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
