im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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