i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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