Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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