You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
