My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
