toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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