Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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