and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
