his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
