I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
