They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize