ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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