apparently the secret to your success is patron
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
